A Life, A Love. A Thing.

This time feels all too familiar, my writing feels forgotten and thereby maybe a part of me too. I've been everywhere and nowhere at the same time, I've done so much the last few months and in a simple second it feels like I have achieved nothing at all. Life has been feeling distant, like something that is happening to me and I have no say in it. But there's been more, because I've been alive and I've been living. I've been laughing and I've been crying my most heartfelt tears. Only because life can be that way too.

Detached. I have no feelings and I have no memories. All feelings become one and one becomes nothing. I have no stories to tell because when I do try to, everything rushes out at once and becomes a bunch of nothing. I have no tears to cry because there is nothing to cry about, even when it feels like I have every reason to burst into tears. I have so many books to read, but it seems like I can't gather enough strength to read a single word. My end-of-term exams are a couple of weeks away, but I hardly have enough patience to sit still and study. I'm everywhere and I'm nowhere.

The only thing that I know now is that I can write this, and this will remind me someday that none of the other things mattered. That maybe they were not even real. That I was locked up somewhere inside my brain and everything seemed impossible, when really I was the one that had convinced myself that it was that way. I've faced a wall and stared at it for a couple of minutes, running back and forth in time. Sitting still but spinning in place. It felt like I was dissolving from the moment. Blankly starring into myself as if I had an internal mirror. Like I had been here and had never been here at the same time.

I've been everywhere and nowhere at the same time. I know I can always call a friend and talk, a new friend or a high school friend, but it feels easier to sit and write about it. I could spend the next hours watching TV, but even that feels like it will only drain me out even more. And what else is there to drain if the tank is dried out? My soul is emptied. Maybe it's even gone. Maybe it wasn't there to begin with? The only thing that I seem to be able to do right now is write these words, because they seem real. And in another time when my feelings are different, they will remind me that this was real.

It's a state of sleep walking, something I have actually never done before. But that I am clearly living now. I'm obsessed with knowing or trying to find out if things are real, if I am real and just getting lost in that space. Then realising that it's a silly mood and that it will pass. But maybe it never does, because after a while it comes back and I'm back to being just a being. Back to being unsure about if I should feed the monster or put myself out there until I get used to being human again. But that's just torture and I'm not doing that to myself again, I've done it for too long.

Back to figuring things out, when really it's everything and that is sort of hilarious because who sets out to figure everything out at once? Has anyone even been successful? I think that most people who try to figure things out end up writing long sentences that one has to read a couple of times to make sense of, and they themselves don't really know what they are trying to say because they chose to use way too many words instead of shorter ones.

The point is, I don't know and some days I know less than others. And it's frustrating because I don't even know what I want to know, and I also know that whatever I know or think I might now might not be as useful to me in the near future, so I'd have to unlearn and relearn to know things that I really need to know. Still, I don't know what that might be, so let's just wait and see. The one thing I know now is that the things I know now are the ones that are making me survive and bring joy to my life, and that makes me happy. So I hope that the things I will know later on in life will help me grow and. Fullstop. Because I don't know what I mean by all that, but the words seem to connect with me in so many ways, in different aspects of my life.

I hope you are alive and living and wondering at times too, not wandering and getting lost all alone. I hope you have a bestfriend, because I do now. And my life has been the same, but with a certain glow now. A light that spreads and gives color to all areas of my life. A type of bestfriend, lover and partner I never even dreamed about. A thought that was so far off that I never entertained, but had tiny hopes about. And I'm happy. But life is still life, and I'm still dealing with my little demons, and sometimes we go to our own parties and face each other. But I've gotten a little bit stronger, firstly because I'm not alone anymore. Because I've found a companion who supports me, and I support him. Both of us in our childishness. Both of us in our adventures. Both of us in our struggles. I've never known a love so silly and true, filled with generosity and farts. I've never known a love so natural and kind, filled with playfulness and passion. I've found a love.

Back to knowing things, I hope what I know now will be true in the next many years. And that the things I know now will be the very things leading me to know the things to come. I hope you know the things you want. And I hope it's okay if you don't know. I guess what I'm saying is that I don't know, and that can make me go crazy sometimes, but life is crazy like that and look how long we've survived this.

Okay, go on living now.

Love, Queen.