Demorandi!

Before anything, before I even started writing this, I imagined how it would start off. I would probably state what mood I was in, or try so hard to connect the season to what has been happening in my life. The usual tone is that of a unhappy happy person without trying to be unhappy. The writing also tries to reflect a thoughtful and educated human being, one who tries to use the methaphors and similes they learned in English class. Sometimes I make room for any other literary devices I can think of, along my favorites. But today? Today I'm wrapping all those together and throwing them in the dustbin. Usually I'd miss, but today? I'm a scorer.

What's the one thought you have been obsessing about lately? Anything. I know I've thought about the sun coming back (yes, the sun really doesn't shine up here for some months), the upcoming exam period and well, existing. To put it midly. Existing and being a human has consumed my brain so much that I'm writing this three in the morning. I'm not sure how relevant it is to mention what time it is, it's not like I'm the first human to be writing so late. One could argue that others even started writing at four in the morning, maybe five because they couldn't sleep at all.

That, that right there is what has been eating my brains out. Oi. Imagine how many people have done the things we do, how many are still going to do and here we are, just living. Sometimes not even living but seeming to exist in a space where our thoughts hold us captive. I've seen the light with these thoughts, and I've seen the dark too. The dark doesn't surprise me anymore. It doesn't carry that mystery anymore and it most definitely does urge me to come for another round. The dark simply bores me, and now that I've seen the light? The only reason I need the dark at some point is to make it possible to see the light, that's all.

There's a craziness and a feeling of being alive that I've experienced within the light. What dark and light talk it is you ask? I have no idea, but those two words just sound so right.

Yes, that craziness. Fulfillment and the feeling of knowing that I'm here now is wonderful. That feeling of (I know this is going to sound insane but..) feeling my own skin against mine and realising that I exist is insane. I can't think of any other way to say it. Maybe I've been in the dark for too long? Longing to see the light now, pun intended. It's been so long!

If this is not happiness? I don't know what is because it feels too good to just be some feeling. The weird part is it does not come from anything. Nobody's said or done anything and apart from handing in one of my biggest essays, I haven't done anything either. Right, it could be the essay too but not entirely.

I've read a book from a Norwegian series I'm reading, currently on book number 28 of 32 and things are slowly coming together. I should be sad because the series is ending, but no I'm not. Slightly, but not fullly. So what could it be?

Something good is maybe about to happen? My definition of 'good' is entirely open for interpretation and I absolutely don't have expectations or whatsover. If anything, I hope my exam on Friday won't be as bad and for that, I have to prepare!

No, I can't figure out what it is but the feeling is wonderful and the feeling reminds me that it is wonderful to be alive. It is amazing to have people, amazing to be who I am but most of all? It is amazing to know that I have the power to control things (most of them) that are happening in my life. It feels so good to get that wake up call and feel so good in my own body (for some reason), feel so good to be me and feel so good to be up at almost four in the morning when its a Monday morning.

No, for some reason? Life is good and for once I'm just going to appreciate that and take it in. Live with that and hold on to that for as long as I can. It is true, life can be good too!

If anything, I hope I've spread some of the good energy to you too, if not... well, you'll come around!

*Runs off into the rain* Does a little dance* Trips* Laughs* Runs off again*

The title Demorandi is a word I just made up. It's inspired by a villain in the series I'm reading who tries to ruin the main characters' brother's life. The villain is Randi and Randi is a demon. I don't know how that is relevant for this post but at least now you know!

Much love

Queen

#feelgood #diary #blogging #fuck #lifesgood