Diary of a 20 Year Old

Am I the only one that wonders how it would be like if I slit my wrist while in the bathroom and died on the spot because I had read about it so many times and I'd seen it in movies too. Am I the only one that tries to imagine a world without me in it and get sad over the fact that life will go on anyway, whether am there or not? So then, why not just do it anyway?

How sad is it that somebody can actually think that way and make themselve believe that it would be okay to take their own life, that is very selfish. I know it's a very selfish thought in itself but I can't help it. I'd like to know if it's normal to just want to disappear from the face of the Earth because no matter what you do, where you are or who you are with, you still end up questioning whether you are worth being alive. Being and doing the things that you are doing.

A suicidal mind is a very selfish mind as we know it but we should also know that it might not seem that way to a suicidal person. At all. It might not even be depression, it could just be normal 20 year old me going through things that normal 20 year olds deal with and I could just be having a hard time dealing with things because I'm not emotionally strong. Hate to admit it, but no I'm not.

I have too many 'episodes' and I wonder if that's normal. I have too many bad thoughts about taking my life or just disappearing and I'm scared of my own thoughts. Amid all this, I could just be someone looking for attention or someone that is still to face very serious mental issues. I don't know where I stand. It's a rather confusing ride.

For the record, no. I'm not suicidal and I'm not depressed. I don't know why I want it to get so bad or make it look or sound like it's that bad. I don't know. Maybe I'm really just sick in the head and I need help. Maybe some things from my childhood are catching up with me and I'm running away from them. Maybe I feel this way about things because I'm a lost child and it sucks to be lost. Maybe I feel this way because I really deserve to just be miserable and alone.

But wait, I love my mom and siblings. I love my dad. I love my friends. They are my happy place. It's just that right now I'm in a bad space and I guess it feels worse because I'm so far away from home and being a 20 year old can be overwhelming, I think.

I've been teaching myself to spend more time with God and it's a very slow process but I'm positive about it, I know that it's the one thing that will make me find myself. Again and again. Each time I let go.

confused, Queen

#20yearold