Diary of a...(not a dragon)

Of all the things I could write about, of all the stories I could tell with so much passion and of all the memories I could share with you guys, suddenly that is just gone. A wave of sadness has washed over me and it's deep and lonely and it makes me hate the now, hate where we are at this point in time.

It doesn't have to be this way and I don't want to sound selfish at all but this is what I'm feeling right now. Is it because after nine months we've said goodbye to each other at Pasvik Folk High School? Is it because the idea of being sort of alone at a place where I was used to having people around is getting to me? Could it be because most of the nights I go through pictures of my sisters and my mom, missing how simple things were and how I had some sort of inspiration back then? Feel like I touched something there, let me say more.

Now that I mentioned it above, it kind of makes sense to me. It's that simple. I'm scared. I'm scared of what lies ahead, the plans I've made and if I will be able to be strong and tough to get them done. Fact is, the world is under panic right now, everybody is scared, if not most of us. Or maybe I am using what's going on now as an excuse to be lazy, to make myself believe that everything will go wrong and that I will disappoint those that believe in me. That's the bad voice, I shouldn't pay attention to that.

Am I being selfish for missing my family when there are worst things going on in the world right now? Why then do I feel so bad each time I make myself something to eat or use the showe r because I know that my family isn't having it like that. I know that right now things have changed, but only for me. I know that life in Katutura for them is just as I had left it. The only thing that has maybe changed for them is the fact that I left.

Why does it feel like I'm being too hard on myself and only because I want the best stuff for my family, doesn't everybody?

I miss home, terribly. I miss my mom and my sisters and I miss Celine, our baby. I end up hating myself for being up here and almost having it all when they so far from me, yet I know that me being here is best for our future. So that we will be together, in better situations.

Keeping my sanity has been so much work lately, but I'm getting by. While I'm at it, I keep wondering if I've disappointed anyone? Been mean to people or made anyone feel like they were less than me? I'm sorry. If I did. That was never my intention, never will be. Take my word for it. It feels like I'm not spreading enough love, enough positivity and it drains me. I hate how much mind just works overtime.

Note to self: Do what you gotta do. Try harder. You know you can achieve anything you set your mind to.
*evil voice-you've been pathetic all along, you never get anything done. Why even try?*

If anything, I've been excited about the midnight sun. I'll make a post about it sometime!

hearts, Queen

#sad #milleniallifecrisis #blogging #2020 #norway #namibia #foreigner #home