Homesickness IS A Thing!

Usually I'm excited that it's Friday I jump with joy in the morning and treat everybody with extra kindness on Fridays because, why not? It is a happy day. Today is Friday, the 23 of October 2020 and I woke up with the same mood as I do every Friday, a bit concerned that time is moving so fast but also very happy that the weekend is here and I can 'slappe av', even if I will be worried about not doing enough during the weekend.

I know that with Corona around, things have changed and will completely be different for a while, but I also know that when I came to Norway last year, things were so different. The other day I was thinking about how most of my posts so far have been about racism, having a great time in Norway and how I'm battling with, well... my issues. I wanted to reflect a bit on some of the things that I had to deal with, things that reminded me that I was not at home and just all the times that I was not as happy as the posts on my Instagram or my WhatsApp status.

The first one that comes to mind, is a day like today, when I really feel that I am not at home. I guess these feelings come when I have been exhausting myself with school work all week and then on a Friday, I am supposed to be excited (which I am), but then at the end of the day, I'm not- knowing that I will only go back home and spend a lot of time indoors. Probably go to town on Saturday (Aunt Iselin and I will be going to the swimming pool tomorrow). Wait, somedays I work out a bit or go for walks... but still, a weekend in Namibia would be completely different.

I miss the loud music, the streets that are always filled with people. I miss the sun and complaining about it. I miss standing up on a Saturday morning, taking out the washing machine from the house and doing laundry. The reason Janet and I enjoyed that was maybe because it was a good excuse to listen to music loudly and then attract people (not really, but in a way). I miss familiar music blasting next door and then me and Janet singing along. I miss listening to conversations in cabs and wondering how the story ended, or telling it to another friend.

"Kom uit, ek stan buite", bruh those texts that would make me pretend like I'm going to the toilet and then disappear for hours. I miss that. I miss how people actually interact with one another, like the loud greetings and the feeling of belonging.

The one time that I really cried because I felt like I was really in a new place was a few weeks after I first came to Norway, it was when we had a weekly dorm meeting. It was hard at first when I could not speak Norwegian and people all around me were speaking it. I mean, I was not new to having a new language, no. I remember how mad I would get when we would go to the Top 10 classes at another school and the girls there would speak another language, sometimes they didn't even do it on purpose, it just happened and I understood because I would also get lost and speak my language when I hung around people that spoke KKG.

So, I was really hard on myself, I had to learn Norwegian (that was one of the hardest stages) especially because when learning a language there's that stage after you've learned something that you fee like you are just stuck and not going forward, I hated that. I hated myself. Anyway, back to the story...😆

I cried after the meeting because people got crazy and started complaining and talking about what could be done better and how it was like living in a dorm. I remember I just sat in the corner and tried to understand what they were saying, but of course I could not , I had been in Norway for just a month or so. I remember sitting there and thinking to myself, "I can just smile and watch them talk and also think of wat has been bothering me or what we can do to live better, or I could just burst in tears and run to my room", but I did not of that. I sat there, my face feeling like it was being heated and my eyes probably turning red by the minute.

At some point, Aunt Iselin said to me, 'Queen they are just complaining and some things, its crazy' or something like that. I don't even remember what exactly she said because I was too busy drowning in my own thoughts. "Stirring in my own sour air", as Esther would say.

During Christmas, I missed my family. Seeing all the families together and laughing and spending Christmas like on the movies I had seen was crazy. I missed being with Janet and Quinton. I missed how Janet and I would save money and buy Quinton the cheapest presents. I miss how all my nieces and nephews would be happy when my aunt would place sweets, a small bag of chips and some chocolate in a plastic bag and celebrate "Children's Day".

I miss just walking down the street and hearing a song and then going home, have it on repeat and dancing to it.

Wanna know something more? I want to dance so bad like I would with Janet, of course I can just dance in my room (which I do), but its just not the same. I miss dancing in front of my mom and then having her comment on who I dance like, or my big sister saying I can't dance. I miss dancing with Celine, showing her moves I saw some cool kid did at school.

As crazy as it might sound, I miss walking long distances to school and panicking about that N$1 because the taxi was N$10.00. I miss those weekends when the girls and I would get up to no good and go to church on Sunday together. I miss those random crushes I met at soccer matches or my friend's boyfriend buying us 'Russian and chips' by a tuckshop on the side of the road. Well, send me to hell, because I miss those innocent kisses behind the house and the meet-ups in the park.

These days I listen to loud house music and then I can feel my body really wants to move, dance. But not that dancing in the room, it wants to move and have Bradley and Marcha by my side cheering me on. It wants to learn new dance moves and go crazy over Bena dancing. Yes, I miss that. Seeing boys dance to house music, if there's anything in the world that I'm crazy over... it's a dancer (house). You should've seen me in high school, I would just forget everything around me and go crazzzyyyyy!

No wonder my first obsession was a dancer❤🤦‍♀️

You can be anywhere in the world and be having the best time of your life, but I swear to you now... YOU WILL ALWAYS THINK OF HOME, YOU WILL ALWAYS MISS HOME!

I'm doing okay...now that I wrote about this. I don't even talk to my friends that much like I used to, the gap grew bigger but I guess that's normal. Everybody out there making connections and building a life, I get that. I just hope we won't forget one another.

Yesterday I made a playlist with all my childhood favorite songs and music that we listened to back home. Songs like The Deception by The Dogg, Khona by Mafikizozlo ft Uhuru, Skeleton Move by Mr KG, Umshove by Kabza De Small and Leehleza, Johnny by Yemi Alade, Soek Soek by DJ Spuzza (Chester House Prince Don Kamati, Mega and Chackie), Chelete by Gazza and just so many more! Songs that I used to vibe to, songs that were popular and crazy enough, they get me in a good mood😜

Wow, this turned out to be longer than I expected! It's currently snowing outside as I am writing this and I'm just listening to one of the songs mentioned above. I'm about to check what time the bus leaves and then make it over to the bus stop.

The sun setts earlier now and by 5pm and 6pm its completely dark.

I don't know when, but I look forward to going home

love, queen!