Keyboard Gloom

I love the smell of a new notebook, maybe even more than I love the smell of a new novel, definitely more than the smell of coffee, or snus. I don't drink coffee anymore, I quit about five years ago and I've been pretty much the same. Well, I've been a bit better in terms of the horrible gastric pains I used to have and the period pains, if they got a chance. So maybe quitting coffee was good for me, and I haven't missed it a single bit.

But I miss so much from say five years ago, seven years ago. I have my last end-of-term exam in a couple of days and it's really been really hard keeping my focus. So when it really got bad, I decided to start doing what any average student would do and started cleaning. I unpacked and untangled and threw everything on the floor, getting some sort of ease from the chaos in front of me.

As if it was physically bringing to the world the chaos in my head. I loved it, so much that I kept going for about eight hours, down to now when I decided to the session by writing on my blog. I found old pictures, birthday cards and notes to myself that I had completely. It was quite a ride.

There is a high chance that I might have ruined my sleep schedule, firstly because I'm typing this at 3AM and secondly because we are getting closer to the midnight sun which means its quite sunny right now. I can see the red glimpse of the sun on the still snowing mountains from my window. I can see the tallest tree in the area moving to the low wind as if being waken from a deep sleep. I was observing the tree when I spot three lights behind it and as soon as it gets closer, I notice that it's a plane about to land. The airport is here on the island and lucky me who gets the best of all world, well for now.

We're back to the same quiet. Birds, trees and the mountains in the background. But I'm almost having a party in here, my playlist is fire! I have local Namibian music blasting through my old Samsung phone on YouTube. The visuals do something to me and the sounds, no need for discussion. I've had this on for the past four hours or so, getting nostalgic and sort of just relaxing. I woke up this morning and knew what day it was going to be, it was going to be one of those days.

Days whereby things are a little bit heavy and my mood is usually down. It's been a rollercoaster, sometimes keeping track of my cycle and other times just realising in the middle of a distaster that it actually is that time of the month. I'm trying to be more active in tracking the cycle, not only for myself but also for those around me, because mostly they have to deal with a grumpy, rude me.

I'm looking forward to the summer break, I can't believe my first year at university is over in a few days! It's been crazy and time has been moving super fast, I cannot fathom how I am in this place right now. The start was tough and that was one of the reasons I have just been off, no blogging and no podcasting because I didn't have time for it.

Sometimes I did have time, but I felt like I was not in my element and didn't want to disturb the good flow I feel I have on both platforms. It really was tough, especially the first semester. The city was new, the place was new and I was just alone for the most part. I was so glad I had Janneth just a few hours away and I had the loveliest host who made coming home feel like home.

There was a lot of partying, a lot of nights out and even more nights where I walked home alone and had the worst thoughts. I cried so much, I knew I was going to be okay but I didn't want to go through the process because it was tough. It was uncomfortable and it was lonely. And at the same time I had the best laugh, the best smile at school because I was so eager to get to know people, which I did. But just enough to say hi, just enough to ask if anyone understood the lecture at all. See, eventually people get together with people they like and sometimes you are just not one of them. Oh shit, or maybe you are too shy and avoid the bigger groups, until you avoid them entirely.

For a while, until you find a friend who is not a big fan of big groups either. And you guys read together, go out on dinner dates and out clubbing. And you celebrate small achievements together, until both of you realise that you can lean on each other and somehow you can suddenly talk to the others. You are suddenly invited to parties because you have extended beyond just the two and you give each other the courage to talk to other people. And then feels more fun, because its always wonderful to have a friend. It truly is.

So Tromsø has been good to me now, I have been laughing more than I could ever imagine. I have been smiling and I have also been crying, but this time its academics. If anyone tells me they have been sad, the only valid reason should be academics. I want that to be the worst thing going on in your life, because you deserve all the good and if you think of it, academics is not even that bad because life is the bigger part. Life is bigger than school. I know now. I have been learning new ways of being myself, of communicating and making friends. And oh, I have made an abundance of friendships now!

I'm excited for the summer holidays because I have a few projects lined up and ahhh I can't wait! I will keep you guys updated, and also update the blog as well. How is it possible that I have been 21 for two years according to my front page? I mean, I still look 19 but I would like to share with you how beautiful this mind is becoming.

Thank you so much for reading, to my one-time readers and to the regulars. I'm glad I'm in this space again. I'm glad I can write again, something I haven't been doing for a while. I mean typing, it feels slower and a little bit frustrating too because I recently bought a new computer and my keyboard is still new to me. Is quite similar to the previous one, but this has to do with how it feels compared to the layout, if that makes sense.

With that being said, remember how in the start I mentioned that I love the smell of a new notebook so much? I do. The sound of a new keyboard on the other hand? No. It will take a while to get used to, but we are getting there. I've been writing in my diaries and been reflecting a lot, something I've always loved to do. So if I'm not writing here, I am probably trying to find one of my diaries or buying a new one because... who doesn't love the smell of a new notebook?

Until next time! (This was written during exam time, now its been over a week and I'm finally posting this:))

Cheers
Queen