My Heart Said...

Another innocent black man lost his life in the hospital after a white police officer held him down with a knee on his neck. This happened in the U.S. I know, that has nothing to do with me, but it makes me restless.

It makes me think a lot about what place black people occupy in the world. Silly me, it makes me think about disappearing. Makes me wish there was a place where we didn't have to label each other as anything. A place where we'd have all sorts of issues but the colour of our skins would just be nothing, something that we wouldn't even bother talking about.

I wish we'd just be together, see one another as human beings, that's it. Somethings are harder for some people out there, way harder and somehow it makes me think about me. What I contribute to make this world a little better for the next person. I happen to be a black girl who got lucky, got a chance to turn her life around and in the long run, bring some changes back home, but am I doing enough?

Why then do I sometimes feel like somebody else would've done greater things with this opportunity, like somebody else would've been more focused and deserving than me. That makes me tired, those thoughts make me tired. I can't keep doing this to myself anymore.

On top of that, it's exhausting to always try and avoid being seen as a a black stereotype, whether I do it consciously or unconsciously. That confuses me even more because amidst all that, I just want to be me, do the things that make me happy and not care about if its accepted in society or not. I want to be able to express myself, but then again it's me holding myself back. What makes me a bigger fool is that I want to be myself so bad yet I don't even know who I am, haven't made enough time to figure that out.

Things like that take time, I'm working on it. I wasn't prepared for none of this, all this emotions, knowledge, stupidity, tears... all of it.

Moving abroad made me aware of so many things, things that I would usually just shrug and walk away from, yet the courage that I have now, the passion that I feel towards certain things, the love that I have for people and the smile on my face that warms people's hearts was born in the place where I come from. That's why I am who I am.

A confused, quiet, loving, shy, loud, crazy, smart, dumb, stylish, old-fashioned and all-the-other-things 20 year old short girl from Windhoek, Namibia.

P.S "Maybe you not a good person, but you deserve all the good in the world and I hope you will see that one day", replied a close friend after I exploded about my feelings. So I made this post.

hearts, Queen

#blacklivesmatter #milleniallifecrisis #youngadult #abroad #girls #blogging