On My Bad Days...
Today was another of those days where I just crawled into my shell and kept beating myself over and over again for just being who I am, I know that sounds sick. But that's the best way I could put it down in writing.
Even if I have said it a hundred times before, even if I'm still going to cry over it a thousand more times.. I decided to write about it. Maybe I will get some clarity next time, if I'm even able to read anything. You might be confused at this point wondering what I'm talking about. Let me get to the point then, folkens.
I'm the hardest with myself on days that I'm feeling down. I end up hating me, criticizing everything I've ever done, compare myself to others and laugh at the idea of me being my own person. It just sounds insane to me that I actually have to take care of myself, do stuff on my own when really I'm just a 'dumb 20 year old' that doesn't have strong opinions about things and hides in other's shadows because she doesn't know how to speak up for herself-that is me on my bad days.
The list goes on to say how anti-social I am, how I don't deserve the things that have happened to me and how ugly I am. Silly thoughts like just walking away from who I am cross my mind(although that is humanly not possible!). Or other thoughts like getting lost or waking up dead cross my mind. Yes, 'waking up dead' is a thing. Argue with me in the comments section!
Being 'alone' for this long has maybe started messing with my brain and so I have more 'bad' days then good ones. I feel embarassed when I have to hang with some of my friends who are coming up to the school to get their stuff because I have, for the most part, forgotten how to speak Norwegian. Aunt Iselin would argue that we speak Norwegian almost all the time but I always feel like I'm not doing enough and so I just hold back, keep hating myself for being me.
On my bad days I'm a horrible person. I become selfish and ignore that other people might have bigger issues than I do. I don't listen to what happens around me because I am so busy digging myself into a grave that only keeps getting deeper until I might not even be able to save myself. That is scary.
What makes me happy? Writing does. Going for a walk wakes me up. Taking pictures brings a smile to my face. Listening to music and dancing makes me feel alive. Singing out loud in the middle of nowhere makes me feel free, that's when I'm at my happiest. Talking to my loved ones soothes me.
Imagine if none of those things can't get me into a good mood, what then?
Lucky for me, I've got aunt Iselin who listens to my repetitive, sometimes depressing and exaggerated thoughts over dinner or while we just knitting. It really helps to talk it out and see it in a different light when it's out there. Exactly the reason why I'm able to write this now, even though yesterday was a really bad day for me, good company helps!
Remember, embrace the bad days, you might learn something new out of it. Like I'm doing now, kama giving advice about bad days when I'm a sucker for them!
NB: I had the #eurovision2020 playlist in my background as I wrote this, I love almost every song<3
hearts, Queen
#blogging #writer #discover #feelings #namibian #youngblogger #baddays #happiness