Rollercoaster

There's a noise somewhere, its loud and its a heavy pounding sound that won't go away. It erupts in my head and out comes heavy salty waters from my eyes, carrying with them all the pain and sorrows that my young heart is slowly releasing. There's a sharp pain somwhere, and it's weird that it shoots out right from where my heart is, I thought the heart was a muscle, not some organ that held all the strong emotions. I thought all that was in my head.

Memories flood my mind, they come slowly and one by one. I'm always the focus in each of them. One of them is me with my classmates, another is me with my cousin walking home from school, another is me listening to a friend talk about her life, another is me and my dad, fixing the bicycle in the morning so that he can take me to school. There's a vague memory of me wanting to sit with a group of cool girls. Another memory of me standing in front of people, receiving certificates. There goes a happy memory of me and my friends playing in the rain, another happy memory of me and my sister, dancing to our favorite songs.

The memories keep taking me back and forth in time. Here goes another one of me drinking milk, so silly, how is this relevant? Another one of me looking at the girl infront of me and wishing that I was an inch taller, or a bit thicker, or a bit thinner. Wishing that I was a bit darker, or a bit lighter. Listening to somebody speak and wishing my voice sounded like that. There goes another memory of me telling my sister that she is beautiful, and cheering my classmates on. Another memory of me failing a test and being careless because I have a friend who got a higher grade than me but still cries. Then there's another of me in my friend's situation.

All these memories, they all come with waves of emotion that sweep me up and drop me bluntly. They all awaken me, and as the salty waters flows on my cheeks, my head clears. Somewhere I am not sure why I am on this rollercoaster, why I am thinking about that time when I wrote an article in the newspaper and thought it was the worst writing ever. When I looked at my personality and wish that I was different, anything but what I am now. I don't get why these thoughts hurt? But it makes sense now.

It hurts because deep down I know that I have tried my best in all I do, atleast in most things, and I am never happy. It hurts because I should be seeing how well I do, and how well I learn from my mistakes, but I don't. It hurts because I could be so much more, if I saw the little effort I did, but I am not. And mostly, it hurts because I am always criticizing myself, maybe don't even love myself enough, and that is so sad.

My eyes are swelled up, I've spent a good hour getting these thoughts out and crying. Maybe I shouldn't say where I ended up, but it was the safest place in my room to just curl up and cry. Cry for no reason. Cry because I miss my family. Cry because I'm not sure if I was happy at those times, or I chose to remember me being happy. Cry because it was easier to say that I had a breakdown and I could not study for the test. Cry because it has been a hard and tough week and for some reason I locked myself in a glass cell since I moved up here and I don't really get out of there, I stay there and make it look like I am okay. I express myself so badly and I often think of what the world would be like if I were to just disappear, just die.

But that would be no good, because I have so many people that I love and those who love me, my friends and family. People that I still want to do so much for, and places I want to see and things I want to do. I am writing this with tears in my eyes and everything suddenly becomes blurry. The room a bit bigger and human beings? I don't know, maybe I am not one of them- I wish I could keep all this love I have for people in a golden cup and let them have it so that I can just wander away. Just like that.

I know, I know what to think and not to think, but I still do it anyway. I'm ungrateful and then I have times when I am really grateful. Times when I am happy and smiling, because we all have those. I happen to find myself going down on a rollercoaster, for no obvious reason, just because the rollercoaster is going down. Now that I saw the rollercoaster, I realised that there are other fun things to do and its bright and noisy. How could I have missed that? I see pink elephants and water slides and boys dressed as flamingoes!

NOOOO! How did that happen? How did I get here? Why is there a smirk on my face? What have you done Queen? Did it work? It seems like it did, something clicked in the last paragraph when I mentioned the rollercoaster and I started looking at things around it. My brain shifted from focusing on the downride to focusing on the things outside, what else is happening. My mood feels lighter, I am smiling. This is so creepy. I was in a really dark place when I started writing this post and strangely, I have emerged into the light. What in the actual???

I might as well read a little on that test I have tomorrow!

Thank you writing, thank you for being my therapy. Thank you for being my trusted friend. Thank you for pulling me out of there.

I hope you guys are doing great. You're strong. You'll be okay. We'll be okay.

love, your trusted friend