Spring Haze

There are so many things I wish I could do and say. Forget all the sporty stuff, all the hiking stuff or all that swimming, that has its time. I mean all the things that would sharpen my intellect, assuming I'm an intellectual with a brain. Not just a brain, but a fully functioning brain. Where's that 'but' coming in?

Here. But, it seems like it doesn't work like that, does it? There's no known way that things are supposed to work, and if you think there is a known way, a fixed way, then you must really be messed up. How have you not noticed that everyone is just doing the best they can? Believing in something and going for it? Haven't you noticed that for some people it doesn't work out the way it works out for most? I say they are lucky, those who get to figure out their way. You're lucky.

Thousands of people follow other's tracks and that's all the life they ever know. We follow rules and traditions because that's the way it has always been done. It feels right. That's all we know. Right, how will we ever know beyond what we've been raised with? Everything is so fixed, all we have to do is exist and not-exist once we're out of time. That's it. We can't invent new emotions can we? We can't start up whole different societies can we because this here has been going on since forever.

What's the point then? Where am I getting with this? Well, the point is that you are here and now, you do what both can and can't, you feel and trip and love and then you die. So what are you? What are you doing differently that's unique to YOU? What has changed? Or what are you doing for your little life that you can say is yours? Strange, but something worth thinking about.

The point is, find yours and be yours. This is something that I've been trying to make myself understand for a long time, seeing how pointless it is to want to be this when something suddenly interests you, or be that because you're in that space and you might make peope uncomfortable with your ways. I take my hat off for those of you who actually don't give a fuck and who have found theirs, you make dreamers like me hopeful.

The point is, find yours and be yours.

Rachel

I'm in a haze and most of the time I just shutdown. I'm approaching my final exams in less than a week now and I really hope that things will become clearer, or that my mood will change before then. I really haven't asked for help of any kind and the main reason is because I'm not sure why I need help. All I know and all I can say is that whenever I'm around people, I just want to get away from there. I have conversations with a straight face (which is so unlike me because I usually smile way too much) and at the slightest misunderstanding, I can feel my tears fight to get out. I've shut out people, some more than others and I've shut myself out too. It's been so long now and I noticed that there is really no point in letting people in now because, I did that.

The worst times must be when I'm awake at night and think about how good of a time I used to have with people and now it's just not there. I think I've become bitter, distant and salty. I have an idea of when it started and the build-up over time, but I haven't had the guts to talk about it to anyone except my written diaries, audio diary and my inner thoughts. That's it.

It's suffocating and I don't know what to do with it, but I'm trying my best to get through every day, especially now that the finals examinations are here. Exams I have been preparing for the last two years, looking forward for that to be over.

In the mean time... will I face this? Will I figure it out? Will I become a better human being? Will I become MY person? In MY space and unapologetic? I can only try.

Until then, be good out there and be good to you.

Lost? Me too.

Love, Queen