The End of A Journey

I like progress, moving from one stage to the next, not necessarily taking giant leaps. I've witnessed how even the slowest movements can take you to the next level. I'm aware of the change that comes with progress, be it comfortable or not, but I've also learned that the discomfort must happen for change to take place.

To be completely honest, I'm still learning to harness this one because it gets me every single time. I realise how much it then takes to remind myself that I must go through the uncomfortable stage for me to make it to the other side.

I also like happy endings, even when we know that they will be short-lived. Matter of fact, all endings in between are either happy or something, but the biggest ending of them all is usually sad: death. So as long as someone gets to see the next day, gets to feel the sun on their skin no matter where they are, that to me still sounds like a happy ending. More like a happy pre-ending because death to me is the ultimate end, until we die and learn that it never ends.

With that being said, there's been slow progress which eventually took me to the next stage and there's been one happy pre-ending, one of hundreds before my ultimate end. I am content with the outcome of the work I've put in and I know that if my mindset wasn't in this place, I would have wanted better results, better this and better that, but for now? I'm just glad to have progressed.

I've finally completed the two year diploma course that I did, said goodbye to friends and mentors I've experienced the world with for the past two years. I'm more than proud of the relationships I've built and the conversations we had, most of which inspired a lot of the content on my blog!

I've hated myself over the past two years, for not engaging with people, for not taking part in class enough, for not saying what I really wanted to say and for making things out of nothing. I've wished that the earth would swallow me up for looking at someone and wishing that I'd never even known them in the first place.

I've walked home after school and had this shrinking feeling that wouldn't go away, a thought that convinced me I was no good, just a tiny little person walking all alone. I've spent hours in the library and in my room, wishing for something exciting to happen.

The pain I felt in all those moments feel like me in a past life now, something that happened so many years ago because I moved on. I learned to look on the other side, to focus on the other side because I too had those glorious days. When I would raise my hand in class and let the words flow, having everybody's attention. Those days when I remembered that I was a child of the sun and my light projected itself onto others, making me realise just how much I enjoyed being around people.

My laughter that echoed in my ears, as if to remind me to keep days like that close to my heart. Days when I would walk home and feel like everyone was peeking at me through the window because I was a fine girl walking down the street, glowing and smiling. So many days I've created beautiful content in my room, finished assignments that took me up and down and not to mention the conversations I had with some beautiful people on the phone or in person.

Looking back at it now, I know that I can't forget one part and imprint the other in my heart. What I choose to remember will definitely be influenced by what day it is and what my mood is and as you can see, today's a neutral day. A day of reflecting and being amazed my the progress I've made, the uncomfortable stages I've had to go through to be here (even when I didn't realise it back then) and in the end, the complete end of a journey that I started off with so much fear, excitement and well, curiosity. Maybe even a perfect day for finding a heart-warming quote that matches my energy.

But usually I just ignore quotes and I want to kick myself for saying this, but whenever I'm going through something and someone gives me advice or tries to help me, the words or advice they give is usually something I know I have to do. It's usually something I know anyway and I know that I have to find the strength within to change my mind and move on. It's seldom advice that I really need or that changes my way of thinking. So I wanted to share something that was said to me in a time of despair and even though it might be obvious to some of you, it worked for me like magic.

Do you know these people with very little emotion? I like to think of them as robotic-humans, but anyway, this came from such a person. I'm not sure why that is relevant but bear with me. I was going through the most stressful academic stage of my life so far, anxiety at its maximum. After speaking to one of my teachers, I kept two things to myself. One of them was to actually enjoy the process, have fun while you're at it and even if you suck at it, at least you'll know that it didn't torture all of you.

The other was just two words 'be pragmatic', words that I wrote and placed on my desk the whole academic year and somehow, they just got me through. It brought me back to 'in that moment', my mind wasn't racing with the possible results and how much of a failure I was going to be. Simply, being pragmatic allowed me to do all I had to do in that moment, in real time.

That shows how what you have to say can influence the next person in so many ways, which is why its really important to be aware of the things you say, especially when you're around people who need guidance, who are starting off somewhere or look to you as a mentor.

Be pragmatic.

Words to keep you going.

I have a few more things to do before things fall into place but until then, just know that this girl has left the building haha. I'm excited about the next chapter in my life and the best feeling about it is that the timing feels so right, it almost makes me question the whole thing!

Thank you so much for reading this far, I hope you're having a great summer/winter and spending as much time as you can with your loved ones (even when they're annoying). I'm living with Janet (my little sister) and we are going through it all, the arguments and laughter and all of it. I'm reading way too many books than I can and blogging way less than I should. I'm here though, so do enjoy!

love, rachel

#blogging #discomfort #levels #progress