The Girl Who Never Made It To 100

One of the hardest things for me right now is seeing what type of a person I am becoming, or have become. Seeing how all the previous years that I have lived, my childhood and teenage years have led to who I am right now.

You can interpret that however you want to.

The point is, I am just really struggling knowing who I am now, and what I might turn into. Or more like struggling to understand myself. Now more than ever, I am just plain lost and sadly, I feel like I have nobody that I can really open up to- not that it would make any sense anyway. I have tried so many times and as soon as I walk away, I have the same bloody questions over and over again.

I wonder what it would be like if I was back home right now, leaving at home with my parents and siblings. I'm not particularly concerned about what my academic life would look like at all, because I knew from the start that it was going downhill.

I am more concerned about what type of a girl I would be. Or young woman. Or person. Her. Who I would be. How I would be and why I would be that way. I wonder how I would've engaged with other people and how engaging with the people back home would have influenced how I would engage with even more people outside my sphere of close friends and relatives.

Somebody is probably going to read this and wonder why the fuck I am so sad- why I am always finding something to cry about and something to complain about. But I'm not.

Just... you know what? It's fine, it's okay. I'm going to let me be. Because I don't know why I am the way I am and it's worse because I know that I don't have to have anything all figured out, but I can't help but wonder.... who the hell am I?

I feel like I am just going where people kind of want me to go, being the girl that people want me to be and for so many years, I have been doing that, that right now I don't even recognise myself in the mirror- or rather, the girl thats stares right back at me.

She looks so foreign, distant and lonely. When I look long and hard enough, I almost see the real her, but then I phase out of it and then I rememeber that it's another 21 year old me, staring right back at me.

Honestly, I still haven't said this out loud to myself, but I think I usually fit the description of what a bad person looks like. Somebody that has maybe given up, somebody that has nothing that drives them and somebody that has no base, just an empty vessel being blown by the wind.

I hate that I had big dreams for my blog and how currently I don't even have the willpower to write because I always have something to do- school related or at home. I hate that I always give a fifty-percent, never a hundred. I hate that I always just do okay, never excellent and I hate that I am never content with my work, with what I can, because I look at what others can and I see how horrible I actually am. Trust me, I know how bad it is to compare yourself, but it's one of those things that I am working on.

It's here, that continous cycle of not knowing who you are and what you are and where you are. Always being helped by other people. And now the time has come, when all around me, all I hear is 'that's up to you Queen. You decide Queen. That's your choice Queen.' It's scary- and I wish I could say it to them - I wish I could ask them to guide me, to just show me in the right direction. But a 21 year old shouldn't do that, especially not when you are so far away from home. People expect you to be able to take care of yourself, I have done that. They expect you to know what's best for you or not, and embarassingly, I am still figuring all that out.

It's overwhelming enough to be the person I am, and turns out I just entered adulthood. Make rational decisions on your own Queen, it's all on you now.

I am grateful for the people that are always there for me. Even when I turn my back on myself. And I hope you know that I will be there for you too, always.

love, a stranger.

#blogging #writer #blog #emotions #help #sos