The Monsters Within!

How often do you think about what type of a person you'd be if you were someone else? Who you'd be if you did things a bit differently? Do you also look into the mirror sometimes and sort of just wish that you were not the one looking back? Here's something that I been thinking about and although it does not cloud me everyday, there are days that I really focus on it and it just ruins who I am.

The first time I really hated something about me was in grade six when I realised that a friend of mine walked like a model and I was just sloppy, my knees knocking each other out as I walked. I had a friend that would tease me about it but of course she did not know how serious that was for me. Looking back at it, I understand now that my self-confidence or lack thereof had started way back and over the years I really did nothing about it. I would lie to myself and pretend like I was okay but some days I would be standing infront of the mirror and literally punch myself in the face or pull my hair because I hated that I held myself back. I hated that I couldn't go out there and do things. Even more, the thought of disappointing myself and those that cared for me was heartbreaking.

I'll skip the motivational books and talks, they worked for like an hour or so and the next moment when I found myself in a situation where I had to put myself out there, I would just freeze and start hating myself all over again. I wondered when it would stop. When I would wake up one morning and love my body, love myself, be proud of what I had achieved so far and most of all, be kind with myself but I guess one has to work through stuff like that. Not just dream about it.

The one thing that I still do sometimes (I've gotten so much better now though, thanks to aunt Iselin), is/was constantly look down on myself, criticize myself about every little thing and refuse to acknowledge when I did something good. I was basically afraid of saying that I did well or that I was learning something fast because the thought of saying that I was good at something and then failing in the end seemed to terrify me. It felt safer to say that I wasn't doing well at all so that the results would be pretty okay, even if I failed, because then people would know that I was already struggling. Phew, the hate within.

Whenever aunt Iselin and I would talk, the pattern was that she would say I was doing pretty well and I would refuse to take the credit because it scared me. Over time we go to a point where she told me that she would always not be there to tell me that I was smart or that I could make it, that some day I would have to start trusting myself and that thought scared the hell out of me. I didn't know how I could trust myself, how I could be the real me. I was/am constantly thinking about if this is the version of me that was supposed to exist now.

The one thing that I feel saved my butt was when I came up here, to Norway. I learned that I had to engage with people whether I liked it or not. I had to talk a lot because it was a foreign place to me and if you want to understand those around you, you have to ask. I told myself that God had given me a fresh start and although I couldn't just paint away my insecurities and lack of confidence, I found ways to tackle them and yet, there were days it felt like I was back to square one!

The point is, I know how it feels. I know how it feels when you sit among a group of people and wish that you could take part in those interesting conversations that keeps everybody glued. I know how it feels when you hang with a group of people that speak another language that you learned pretty well but you're scared of talking because you don't want to embarrass yourself and you are scared because you never put yourself out there.

Even more, I can relate to walking into a room with a smile on my face, sit for a few minutes and wish that I hadn't showed up in the first place.

Do you know what confuses me? The fact that some days I act like that, or I am like that while other days I feel free and happy and confident. I could walk into a room and talk to anybody without any insecurities. Those are the days that I love myself to the moon and back because it feels like life would be a hundred times better if I felt that way each day. The only problem is that I let myself get to me. I let my thoughts control me and in the end, I become a lonely sad girl who is constantly fighting with herself. What a shame.

Man, while I'm feeling all positive right now, I should probably take a second to appreciate me and it would be wonderful if you could do that too.

Think about all your achievements, from the very smallest ones to those that brought your whole family together. It was a wonderful feeling wasn't it? Aunt Iselin always tells me to keep that victorious feeling in mind when I do something and it gives me a hard time. Keep your eyes on the price, so to say. Take time to look at yourself in the mirror. How hard is it to love the size of your breasts, aren't they prefect? Your smile, do you ever think of how contagious it is? Your hair, your eyes, your height, your skin color...oh how beautiful you are. I see that, I hope you do too!

P.S Imagine how boring life would be if you were always in the clouds, appreciate your sad moments so that you can really tell when you have your happy moments..the quote goes something like that!

hearts, Queen

#girls #confidence #youngadult #appreciate #blogging #namibia #norway